Essays

Deterrence on the
Intracoastal Wateray

Ft. Lauderdale --April 1

The J Bond Deterrence Co. today announced availability of its series 007 wave deterrence device, “a leap forward” in technology to deter wave production by high powered yachts, trawlers, and jet skis that traverse narrow waterways, such as the ICW.

Using sophisticated radar detection and instant evaluation by computer, the system detects the wave producer as much as seven miles away, then determines whether its wake will cause discomfort to sailing vessels. Discomfort is defined as a potential vessel movement of more than three degrees of yaw, pitch or roll.

Upon detection of the offending vessel, the system first automatically transmits a warning on Channel l6 and/or other channels selected by the user. The warning politely requests that the oncoming vessel slow to “no wake.” If the vessel does not respond by slowing, an aerial bomb is launched from the sail boat bow. Five seconds later, a multi rocket is launched. Phase one of this rocket, on explosion, writes the words “slow down” across the sky. A second explosion releases a sign, oriented to the offending vessel, declaring “No Wake Or Else.” This sign slowly descends on two small parachutes. If the wave producing vessel still does not slow, and if radar indicates a wake larger than six inches, and if the vessel is less than ¼ of a mile away, the sail boat operator sees this question on his computer display: “Shall I kill?” If the operator responds affirmatively, a missile destroys the offending vessel.

Buyers of The 007 Wave Deterrence System may also acquire add-on features. One optional system is a mast-mounted video camera to record movement of the offending vessel and to document the final missile launch and destruction. Sales of the video recording to local news media and to Hollywood motion picture producers should exceed costs of the entire system. Another option is a small inflatable to be attached behind the sail boat. This inflatable will carry replacement rockets. The company estimates that 15 rounds will be required for a typical 8-hour voyage on the ICW between Miami and Palm Beach . Buyers may also consider the jet ski add-on which includes an automatically launched grappling hook.

For a small fee, the company will handle all paper work to acquire a nationwide license to kill.

A company spokesperson stated that this exciting new system is for sail boats that do not mind a minor stir, but cannot tolerate a major shake.